What Nobody Talks about

Did you know that approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage?!?!  If this is so why does no one talk about it?!???

When I got pregnant with my second child I knew I was pregnant right away; I got that tired drunk feeling where you could pass out anytime and everywhere!  I made a shirt for Hayden (back when I was artsy and made kids shirts) and it said Big sister and this is how I told Matt when he walked into the door after work!

It was getting close to Christmas and my plan was not to tell one single soul until Christmas and my family would open gifts that would be telling them we were expecting again!

I went to the Drs at about 9 weeks because I had spotting and well I didn’t have any for my first pregnancy so I was obviously a bit worried.  But my Dr reassured me it was most likely “old blood” so I felt better and went on with it !

A few weeks later (I believe I was 11 weeks in so close to the 3 month mark)  I felt different I wasn’t as tired I didn’t feel as sick but I thought hey every pregnancy is different try to stay positive!!  I was getting ready to plan the big Christmas surprise.  My great uncle passed away and I was at his funeral; it was really a get together at the funeral home as we don’t often do full funerals we like the celebration of life way.  Anyways something didn’t feel right so I went to the bathroom and sure enough I was bleeding and I realized this is it I just had a miscarriage .  Since no one knew I was pregnant and we were at the funeral of someone we loved dearly I decided not to tell anyone b/c I didn’t want to be a burden so I waited till late got in the car with my parents and we went home without me saying a word.

I called one of my best friends as I walked in the door at about 11pm and said I really need you to come and watch my daughter as I need to go to the hospital.  She came over and we were out the door.

At the hospital it was nerve wrecking and we had to wait forever..like really I just lost a baby and it takes all morning to get in to see someone?!?!! I was furious at the hospital but trying to maintain calm.  Even though it happens to soo many couples you never expect it to happen to you!

We finally saw a Dr just to tell me what I already knew…I lost the baby.   He then asked me to wait as they had to scrape my uterus and get everything out.  Great I thought.  Yes it was extremely uncomfortable and yes it hurt but no where close to the amount that my heart hurt.

I tried to put on a brave face and I didn’t tell many people; only my close friends. It was never posted on social media that this happened I just went about life pretending nothing was wrong and nothing bad happened.  I thought I have a beautiful girl I must have not been ready for a second yet.

Your body still feels like you are pregnant for quite some time; it takes a bit for the hormones to go back to normal so it is extremely hard to get over when you feel like you are still pregnant and you are bleeding everyday for weeks.  How do you get over it when every time you go to the bathroom there is blood?!?!  I remember thinking I just want this nightmare to be over!  Yes our partners go through it all emotionally with you however their body is not going through it so unfortunately I had my moments where I would be bitchy towards him because he “doesn’t understand”; however looking back I know it was just my hormones that were being an asshole!!

The truth is there isn’t a day I don’t wonder who that baby would have been; or that I don’t think about in July that precious baby would be a year old; how does the time go so fast?!?!  But again I think everything happens for a reason even though we will never understand what the F the reason is!!

This is something that so many people go through and I think it is something that we all need to talk more about!  So I hope people start sharing their stories as your experience could possibly help someone else out!

To that baby I lost:  I hope you are up there and in the care of the other beautiful angels up there xoxo

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