Well this is a topic that is not talked about too much and I’m not one to hold back about how things are soo if you don’t want to hear about the truth and process of when you miscarry then this blog post is not for your eyes because shit will get graphic! I have researched miscarriage a little bit since I myself have had 3 now. Did you know that they say only 1% of women will have a 2nd miscarriage?? I call bullshit on this stat as I have met several other people besides myself that have had multiple miscarriages.
I’m not someone that is queen of advice or anything but I will tell you what happened in my cases and tell you what helped me to get over it…well at least cope with it because no matter what, you will always have that what if when it comes to miscarrying.
So here are my stories and again some are graphic
Miscarriage #1 – I’ve already written about this but for anyone that didn’t see that post:
So I was about 10.5 weeks pregnant when I went to my doctor with some spotting. He said don’t worry it’s normal it’s “Old blood” but I didn’t spot with Hayden and I had a feeling what he was saying wasn’t right…I kept my head high though and I tried to relax and not think about it. About a week later I was at a funeral for my family member quite a ways from home, I went with my parents and my sister..keep in mind no one knew I was pregnant at this point. While I was standing there at the celebration of life with my little one I felt it. I felt a gush and I knew it was over; I excused myself went to the bathroom and sure enough the dreaded red blood was there…that ladies is not what you want to see that bright red blood. I couldn’t do anything, no one knew…I couldn’t tell anyone as i didn’t want attention on myself now was not the time. I didn’t have anything to soak up this blood and luckily it wasn’t too heavy yet so I piled up toilet paper put it in there and prayed it would do the job and prayed that my family would just leave soonish. I went back out and acted as if nothing was wrong and hung out with my family (Matt was at home as he was not back from work in time to go). I messaged him let him know as soon as we get home we have to go to emerg and that I was losing the baby. On the way home I messaged one of my gfs and asked her to please come over and stay with Hayden while she was sleeping and I explained what had happened..she also did not know I was pregnant. Of course she came over and off we went to the hospital. I can’t tell you how ridiculous it is to go through this and have to wait forever to even see a dr!! We got in and they pulled a portable ultrasound machine in and I was right we lost the baby. Had to wait for the Dr to come back and do a D&C for those who don’t know what a #dandc is it’s a procedure where they basically scrape your insides to remove tissue from the inside of your uterus. This process is uncomfortable as fuck and if you think your period pains are bad well the cramping with this process is worse than that. To be honest I don’t remember the pain too much; all I remember was raking my brain trying to figure out what I did to cause it and being mad at myself and so hurt that I let this happen. However the answer to that question is nothing, I did nothing to cause this horrible thing and no matter how true the saying “everything happens for a reason” is…everytime someone said it to me I wanted to punch them in their head not gonna lie. The aftermath of a Miscarriage is just like it is after you have given birth (the further along you are the worse it is..in my experiences anyways). I bled for about 3-4 weeks and that stopped me from being able to get over it. But eventually things died down, we got pregnant again and I gave birth to an extremely handsome baby boy…my rainbow baby.
Fast forward a few years till this past couple of months, now this is the one that is not easy to write about annd is a bit graphic so if you want to stop here I understand. This one is fresh in my mind so I remember everything.
We hummed and hawed about having a 3rd – everyday was a different answer. Finally we decided let’s go for it; if it happens it happens, if it doesn’t it doesn’t and we have 2 perfect children. Well those of you that know us well know that we are very lucky when it comes to being fertile (knock on wood) and before we knew it we were pregnant and thinking oh man we are bat shit crazy for doing this! And then it came…again. I didn’t feel pregnant I was now 9 weeks pregnant and my ob appointment was coming up. I was cleaning the house on a Saturday and I just had this feeling, I went to the bathroom and I was spotting “old blood”. I immediately got upset and told Matt “it’s happening again, i’m going to go lay down”. I laid down for a bit and thought maybe for some odd chance I am wrong; so I got ready and we went out for dinner with our kick ass friends.
When we got home sure enough the bright red blood had started…we immediately went to the hospital while our friends watched our kids. This time it was quick but the Dr was an asshole and I probably could have punched the him and the nurse in the face. We got there they didn’t do any blood work, they didn’t do what they did last time and roll an ultrasound machine in…instead he asked me a whole of TWO fackin’ questions and said we can’t do an ultrasound tonight but we will get you in first thing in the morning. The nurse comes…yep the dr didn’t even come back and she tells us we booked you an appointment on MONDAY for an ultra sound..I looked at her and said for a fucking miscarriage I have to wait 2 more days to find out what’s happening??? She said yep and that was that, we were on our way home. Next day we went to another hospital and I’m not kidding when I tell you we were there for 6 HOURS!!! We get in and yes the dr was extremely nice but we got in just for them to say the ultrasound tech left for the day…like really?? you couldn’t have gotten me in this am when you took my blood work?! soo we had no answers yet again.
Monday morning comes and I go for my ultrasound…an internal one, cause those are always fun. After when I was putting my clothes back on I did the mistake of looking at the screen and I swore I saw a baby on that screen and I was soo confused. I go see the dr and yes she was extremely nice but she had no answers yet again. She said she could see a bleed but couldn’t say that I misscarried b/c I am still pregnant and the baby is still there but the baby was measuring 6 weeks instead of 9.
So there is a thing called a missed miscarriage so I believe what happened was I lost the baby at 6 weeks but when you have a missed miscarriage you don’t have any symptoms of it..just to really fuck with you I guess.
I went home still knowing that I know in my heart what was happening but confused for the fact that I saw the little bean on the screen. A few hours later I had horrible horrible pain and I told my mom, who was here helping me that I had to go upstairs for a bit to lay down and maybe have a shower. Well the pain got worse and I realized I was having contractions, I went to the bathroom and well let’s just say it felt like I ate a whole ton of bad food but it was coming out from the wrong spot. I decided to go in and sit on the floor of the shower and just let it happen b/c what else are you going to do?
This was one of the worst experiences of my life. I then had to actually pull the sac out of me and of course it wasn’t going to go down the shower drain so I had to flush it down the toilet and just bawling I again went to those questions..what have I done? What did I do to cause this? Why is this happening? I put myself in a huge slump and it took weeks for me to come out of it…and I bled for about a month again but didn’t have to do a D&C because everything came out naturally….lucky me got to see EVERYTHING come out. Those that don’t know much about #miscarriage it is like giving #birth in a sense that everything has to come out and you have the contractions with it, they are just over quicker. I am lucky I had an army of friends and family that helped me get through it and my amazing amazing husband!
We were told we didn’t have to wait that it was up to us when we wanted to try again and I decided after I was done bleeding it was go time I need to get pregnant again….our poor little Hayden knew that we were going to have a baby, she was so excited that I didn’t want to explain to her what happened. So we tried and well we got pregnant again!!!! I took the test on a Monday 1-2 weeks it said! Then that Thursday it happened again and we lost the baby, this time it was painless, not a lot of blood and over much quicker, so that was the good thing about that one.
Now we wait and decide if/when we want to try again..but I think if we try again this will be our last time.
Okay now for the things that helped me get through it..not over it but through it.
I kept saying to myself that we are so incredibly lucky to have 2 healthy (knock on wood), beautiful little humans and some people are not as lucky as we are. That there are a ton of people worse off in this world so buck up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. We have an amazing family full of love, so we are happy with what we have! That being said it doesn’t mean you can’t feel sad, it doesn’t mean that you can’t be down because of everything, of course you can and take your time. I have my moments where I get sad but I always go back to the things we do have and I appreciate it more and more everyday!
Also ladies please please please remember that if you have had a miscarriage there is literally NOTHING you did that caused it – I mean don’t go skydiving or anything crazy when pregnant but lifting your child or slipping on that piece of ice or whatever it may be did not cause your miscarriage. Also I know all those generic things that people say do not make you feel better and your blood boils when they say it – in your head you may be telling them to f off but remember they are all just trying to help you and you are lucky to have them by your side!
Well that was a long one and I am def not a writer soo I hope it wasn’t too painful.